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Let me state the obvious: movies are a dramatic visual medium. So, it behooves the screenwriter to represent a scene on the page as the audience sees it – with images. Images, not facts and ideas, bring the story to life. Describing images on the page in vibrant language in the present tense carries with it an immediacy that keeps the reader in the moment. Stated facts make the reader think, and thinking takes him out of the moment. The writer wants the reader to experience the story viscerally right now! How does a writer do this?
The clarion call of every writing teacher and mentor to young writers is “show, don’t tell.” What does that mean? What’s the difference between telling and showing? A few examples are in order.
"Jill looks as if she would like Jack to be part of the deal." What does that look like?
"Jill bats her eyelashes and sighs."
That's an action from which the reader will interpret Jill’s intention when placed in context of the scene.
Here’s another example where two characters have just been introduced to each other. Jack’s a detective and Jill’s the wife of a wealthy man.
“Jack’s been in these situations before – and we sense he and Jill have a history.” Can you see that this says nothing? The writer wants to tell us that these two characters, meeting for the first time in the story, have known each other under more intimate circumstances. Why not show it?
“Jack nods to Jill.
JACK
Your hair’s different.”
This is so much more intriguing. It pulls the reader into the story through character interaction. The reader wants to read on because this is a little twist in the story and he wants to know what’s going to happen next. This is showing the reader that these characters have a history, not telling him.
Here are a few more examples taken from actual screenplays to make the distinction between telling and showing crystal clear . They are taken out of context, but the idea here is to change an abstract statement of being into a visual image. The first line (a) is the no-no that tells. The second line (b) shows a possible solution.
a. “Jill’s worst fear is confirmed. It can’t possibly be happening. She’s in a powerless, almost zombie-like state.”
b. “Jill swallows hard and shudders. Her eyes glaze over, her chin trembles, and her limbs grow rigid.”
a. “Jill’s too pre-occupied to think, let alone shake hands.”
b. “Jill stands immobile. Her gaze sinks to the floor.”
a. “Jack is now lost in the woods.”
b. “Jack wanders in the woods... looks around him in a panic.”
The place in the script where screenwriters commit this sin the most is during a character introduction. When a speaking character is first introduced into a script, the name should be introduced in description before s/he speaks. The first time a reader sees a character’s name it should be in all caps followed by a specific age using Arabic numbers (not spelled out). The name and age should be followed by a brief physical description. Many writers want to go on and on telling the reader how this character is vice-president of the company and son of the owner and a graduate of Yale who commutes into the city daily all the way from East Hampton because he’s a wimp with his sexy, selfish wife who won’t live anywhere else. Whew! How do we know all that by watching the screen? We don’t. So, the writer must limit himself to the visual and verbal information that can be gleaned from watching the screen in this moment. Write only what we can see. Show us the psychology, back-story, and situation in action and dialogue while moving the story forward and developing the character.
When showing a movie on paper, it is best to show the images in the sequence that the audience will see them on the screen. For this reason, the writer must be wary of using the words “as” and “while.” Often, these words tempt the writer to reverse the order of the action. This is done frequently in narrative writing to create a mix of sentence structures so it doesn’t get repetitive. However, screenwriters are creating a movie on the page. First comes one frame, then the next, then the next. In other words, write the images on the page in the order that they will be seen on the screen.
For example:
a. “Jill bolts upright as Jack bursts into the room and yells.”
This action is better represented thus:
b. “Jack bursts into the room and yells; Jill bolts upright.”
Here’s another example:
a. “Jill clutches her breast as Jack shoots her point blank.”
b. “Jack shoots; Jill clutches her breast.”
And one more for good measure:
a. “Jack screams as Jill backs the car over his bike.”
b. “Jill backs the car over Jack’s bike; Jack screams.”
OR
b. “Jill backs the car toward Jack’s bike; he screams; the car’s wheels crush the bike; Jack rushes the car in a long, loud howl.”.
A screenplay is called a blueprint for a movie. It can also be a work of art unto itself. Simplicity in screenwriting is a skill that, when executed by a master, elevates this craft beyond the pedestrian shores of utility. If a writer has yet to sell a screenplay, this becomes a necessity. The unsold writer must write better than the professionals in order to captivate the reader. The story must grab the reader by the gut and the heart. He must feel it in his throat. Yes, one needs a great story and great characters, but if the writing style doesn’t reflect that great story and characters, it may distract from the reader’s total involvement. Improper formatting distracts. Grammar and punctuation mistakes distract. Repetitive words distract. Wimpy predicate phrases weaken the action. By using these writing style suggestions, the writer has a chance to make his story shine and inspire the reader to send it forth toward the green light.
Founder of Rainey Script Consulting, John has worked with thousands of screenwriters since 1989. Creative Screenwriting Magazine's 2003 review of script analysts rated Rainey #1. His services guide novices to recommendations in today's competitive marketplace. His work with professionals provides fine-tuning that results in sales.
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