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“But that’s my voice!” A writer howls when I complain about five sentence fragments in a row. And I say don’t let your ‘voice’ get in the way of your story. Sentence fragments are difficult to read. Let the reader become immersed in your story unencumbered by your ‘voice,’ and s/he’ll say “Wow! What a great story! Who wrote this?” Pay attention to fundamental elements of writing like grammar and punctuation and you’ll find that your ‘personal voice’ will emerge like a lotus blossom. Few writers use commas and apostrophes well, much less language. I advise frequent visits to Strunk & White and Fowler’s Modern English Usage for basic writing skills. Beyond these basics, I’m going to cover some things here that make my eyes glaze over and send me to an afternoon nap… things I wish writers would give their attention to.
Screenplays represent stories in a dramatic visual medium where action is paramount. Even dialogue characterizes a mental/physical action. Therefore, the most important aspect of screenwriting, in my opinion is the predicate phrase. Many articles appear regarding the importance of action verbs in screenwriting, but as long as writers fail to tread the extra mile with precise description, articles like this will continue to call out from the wilderness about the value of meticulous verb choice.
The most deadly verb in screenwriting is the verb “to be.” It traps your story in doldrums of listless description that make your script tough to navigate. Avoid this passive verb like the plague. You don’t need it in action/description paragraphs. Ever. Whether as a passive verb or a helping verb, it bogs down the action. The greatest tendency to use helping verbs happens upon opening a scene when the audience discovers a character that “…is sitting…” or “…is standing…,” etc. Not necessary. Write “Jack sits behind his desk.” Even static story elements can have action. Instead of writing “The room is full of antiques…” write “Antiques crowd the room…”.
Passive voice is another weight on your action. When you write sentences in passive voice, the subject receives the action expressed in the verb; the subject is acted upon. The agent performing the action may appear in a "by the . . ." phrase, or may be omitted. Some examples:
“Jack is slapped by Jill.” (Jill slaps Jack.)
“Jack’s car is rolled over the cliff by thugs.” (Thugs push Jack’s car over the cliff.)
“A shot is heard from the next room.” (A shot rings out O.S.)
Spend most of your polish time seeking the perfect action verb for the situation you’re describing. Comb your thesaurus and dictionary and insist on absolute clarity with the shortest, most potent predicate phrase possible.
Choose a verb that doesn’t require a modifier. Adverbs are clichés that dilute your action. They give a general idea of mood or description, but they do not elicit insight into a character’s intention. Adverbs leave the reader to interpret, or misinterpret, the specifics of the action. They allow us to be lazy writers and diminish the power of our stories.
Take some time and show how this character is acting happy, or how that character is annoyed. What do they do that shows us their emotional state? Show their individuality through specific action. Does a character always rub his nose when he’s excited? Then, don’t write the word “excitedly.” Write “He gasps and rubs his nose.” Details define character. Use them.
Often, adverbs are redundant. The action, dialogue, or the word the adverb modifies can show us what we need in order to visualize the moment. The adverb serves little purpose but to waste ink and take up space. Consider phrases like: “smiles happily,” or “runs quickly,” or “glances nervously;” how about “glances shyly?” Why not “glances” and let the context of the situation speak for itself? Here’s my all-time fav: “He quietly closes his eyes.” I want you, right now, to close your eyes loudly. Go ahead. Try.
Generic verbs like “walks,” “runs,” “moves,” “talks,” and “smiles” attract modifiers like blondes attract middle-aged adolescents. Anytime you feel the necessity to clarify your verb with an adverb, it’s time to hit the thesaurus. Be relentless in your pursuit of the perfect verb for specific action. If Webster’s were to ask me which words I would like to delete from the English language, my response would be: slowly, quickly, quietly, softly, suddenly, and abruptly for starters. Am I telling you to never use adverbs? Not at all, but if you use an adverb, better make sure you've done your homework in picking the most descriptive verb.
Here’s an example of how to eliminate misused adverbs. Let’s revise the following paragraph.
“Jack walks nonchalantly down the street whistling happily. Suddenly, he sees Jill walking angrily his way and panics. He stops and frantically wonders what to do, then abruptly turns and quickly runs the other way.”
Okay, I’ve exaggerated a little, but this kind of paragraph does not stray far from the norm for many writers. Let’s assume that you have established Jack’s and Jill’s characters and relationship in a rom-com genre. They had a one-nighter. Jack’s got fear-of-intimacy issues and Jill wants commitment. Deep into the story, Jack thinks he’s escaped obligation for his actions. The context of the relationship at this point gives us volumes of info. Revising the above paragraph:
“Jack strolls down the street whistling ‘Zippity Doo Dah.’ He sees Jill charging toward him. His Zippity zaps and his lips freeze in a pucker. He pulls a one-eighty and jets back up the street.”
Do you find that more interesting to read? I’ve cut out my pet peeves. Also, I’ve maintained the rom com mood. Perhaps it’s a little glib for some, but the point is to write with verve. If you choose verbs that sparkle and pop, your story will pull the reader’s eyes down the page.
Next time I’ll discuss things screenwriters do that suck the life out of their story and how to avoid them.
Founder of Rainey Script Consulting, John has worked with thousands of screenwriters since 1989. Creative Screenwriting Magazine's 2003 review of script analysts rated Rainey #1. His services guide novices to recommendations in today's competitive marketplace. His work with professionals provides fine-tuning that results in sales.
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